Not Theirs to Sell By: Charles Petersen This last Saturday my family and I were all at home for the weekend. I was in my room working on homework, (what else would I do after all I'm just a perfect generic kid) my mom was cleaning the house, (after all a male chauvinistic pig is writing this paper) my sister was playing with her dolls (the male chauvinist speaking again) and my father was fixing the lawn mower in the garage (mans work). We weren't expecting anyone when suddenly the doorbell rang. I figured whoever it was they weren't looking for me since all of my friends were skiing and my mom had made me stay home to finish this stupid story, therefore it didn't cross my mind to answer it. My father was working so hard that he had gone temporarily deaf and couldn't hear the doorbell, and therefore couldn't go answer it. My sister was still too young to realize what a ringing doorbell meant (after all she is a woman and women can't put two and two together until they are at least twenty (ignore last sentence the male chauvinist had taken control of my hands (ignore last sentence a man too in touch with his feminine side wrote it))) and my mother had gone temporarily insane (that's not quite correct she had always been insane after all she didn't kill me when she first saw me but her insaneness had grown because of the tortures of my baby sister (cancel the previous parentheses for obviously if she is a woman she is already insane and therefore cannot become any more insane than previous)) and therefore could not come to the door either. (The above paragraph is the consequence of an abused childhood of the writer (cancel last remark, the above paragraph is the consequence of the writer being raised by a woman (cancel last remark, the male chauvinist took control of my hands and forced me to write it, the true reason for the above paragraph is the consequence of an inadequate schooling system. (cancel last remark, the real reason for the above paragraph is that the writer was taken over with an uncontrollable spasm that forced him to write the above.)))) Because of the above stated reasons nobody came to the door and the doorbell just kept on being wrung eventually the entity that was causing the doorbell to knock gave up with that idea and instead ran (cancel last word for we do not yet know if the entity is capable of running) to the neighbors house to borrow a key (cancel previous parentheses for if the entity were to take this prudent course of action it most obviously is a man). The entity then used its form of locomotion to get back to the house and then entered through the front door. Upon hearing the door open the insane mom suddenly became sane, (cancel last remark, there is no way a woman could ever become sane (cancel last remark the male chauvinist was speaking again)) screamed, picked up her child and ran (just like any woman would do (the male chauvinist again)). I just stayed sitting where I was figuring that if it was a burglar the weekend would be much more exciting if I was kidnapped or held hostage (the above remark can be blamed on a boring childhood). My father's hearing had finally come back but he was so mad at not being able to fix the lawn mower that he went insane as well (this story is going absolutely nowhere so lets just skip to the tactful finale.) In the end all the Indians of the land rose up against the whites and took control of what was rightfully theirs (cancel last remark for it can be blamed on a democratic upbringing, replace with and they all lived happily ever after (cancel last remark, it can be blamed on a tendency of the writer to go towards the quickest ending, replace with after several years I began to grow out of my fears of doorbells and started to function again as a human-being. (cancel last remark, it can be blamed on outside intervention in order to get a better grade by introducing drama replace with, and I'll never forget that fateful day when I met Joe. He was one of the most amazing people I ever met and I never saw him again.) (Cancel all of the above for it can all be blamed on the fact that this story starter is incredibly stupid (cancel last remark the writer was once again taken over by an uncontrollable seizure to tell the truth (cancel last two words and replace with a lie for brownie points.)))